| | APB JOKE thread post-em up! | |
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RedDoggy Super Moderator
Number of posts : 764 Age : 41 Location : AZ Personalized field : A Fan Of StockYardKennels Warnings :
| Subject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up! Fri 15 Aug 2008, 5:35 pm | |
| Two Little Boys
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. ' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.... in the name of the Father, and in the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.' | |
| | | Marty V.I.P.
Number of posts : 202 Age : 66 Location : Ga Warnings :
| Subject: Your Gonna Smile Sat 16 Aug 2008, 3:24 pm | |
| 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gori llas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver ? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile. | |
| | | Marty V.I.P.
Number of posts : 202 Age : 66 Location : Ga Warnings :
| Subject: goodun Sat 16 Aug 2008, 3:28 pm | |
| Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as Idaho, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota,Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia and South Carolina ; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest ,and parts of the south east the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin likely did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
9. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We're real impressed.. We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
10. Let's get this straight - We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
11. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute..
12. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
13. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
14. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's like a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit in the water hazard, it spooks our fish.
17. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is "Sir". No matter how old he is.
18. The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.
19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.
Now, enjoy your visit! | |
| | | Marty V.I.P.
Number of posts : 202 Age : 66 Location : Ga Warnings :
| Subject: Sumbitch Sat 16 Aug 2008, 3:45 pm | |
| A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!" | |
| | | Admin ADMIN
Number of posts : 1050 Location : Michigan Personalized field : BACK IN ACTION! Warnings :
| Subject: Redneck Marriage Thu 21 Aug 2008, 10:30 pm | |
| How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck | |
| | | Marty V.I.P.
Number of posts : 202 Age : 66 Location : Ga Warnings :
| Subject: Flight humor Tue 26 Aug 2008, 8:04 pm | |
| Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school > diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our > jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe > sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The > mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and > then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. > > Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are > some > actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) > and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. > > > By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an > accident. > > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > * > P: Test flig ht OK, except auto-land very rough. > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > * > P: Something loose in cockpit > S: Something tightened in cockpit > * > P: Dead bugs on windshield. > S: Live bugs on back-order. > * > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute > descent > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > * > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. > S: Evidence removed. > * > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. > S: DME volume set to more believable level. > * > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. > S: That's what friction locks are for. > * > P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > * > P: Suspected crack in windshield. > S: Suspect you're right. > * > P: Number 3 engine missing. > S: Engine found on right wing after bri ef search > * > P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. > * > P: Target radar hums. > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > * > P: Mouse in cockpit. > S: Cat installed. > * > And the best one for last > * > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a > midget pounding on something with a hammer. > S: Took hammer away from midget | |
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