APB JOKE thread post-em up!

before I do this can I? and also what would deem inappropriate other than foul language

As long as it's somewhat clean, substitute the foul language with *****
ABSOUTUTELY NOTHING RACIST!

Just use good judgement..

Well, this Doctor who had a very successful Proctology practice finally decides he's had enough of dealing with peoples behinds and retires to pursue his live long dream to become an auto mechanic so he could work on his hot rod.

After the first year of school the doctor is given his exam to qualify for the next advanced class.
The instructor of the class gets a call from the Dean of the School and is asked to report to his office. The Dean asks why the Doctor received an A+++++ on his final exam.
The instructor exclaims that the final included rebuilding an engine while still mounted in the car.
The Dean asks why the excessive grade....any one of the better students could have done this task easily.
The instructor remarks, "Thru the tail pipe"?

lmao..haha

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rural rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in
the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?'

After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk past cow after
cow and when she finally sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one.... right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dumb blonde,
the man asks, 'Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to
be bred?'

'That's simple: By the nail over its stall,' Amy says.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

lmao..that put me in tears..lol

A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of hookers.
Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say 'Hi there, little boy.'
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.
She replies, 'Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke.'
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, 'Hi there ladies!'

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.


She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

LMAO...That took care of it...lol

When Grandma Goes To Court


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair."

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Shades wrote:

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

LMFAO.. For the record my GF didn't like that one..lmao

no probably not

disclaimer: my intentions are to offend noone all jokes are for humerous purposes only

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

lol..

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

Too funny

lmfao

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT

DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.

"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.

The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out...

We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"

OMG those were both toooo funny.

heres one for the ladies and eric this maybe one that you want to show your g/f

I for one find this very insulting I cant believe some one could actually think this



Subject: Men Are Like.......

Men are like .Laxatives ........ They irritate the
crap out of you.

Men are like ......... Bananas ........ The older
they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like . Weather ........ Nothing can be done
to change them.

Men are like ......... Blenders ........ You need
One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like . Chocolate Bars ....... Sweet, smooth,
& they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe
a word they say.

Men are like . Department Stores ....... Their
clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ......... Government Bonds ....... They
take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like . Mascara ........ They usually run at
the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only
for a little while.

Men are like .. ... Snowstorms ....... You never
know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long it will last.

Men are like ......... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look
at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the
good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Another good one

A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer.

He then went to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens. He didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand and hold each chicken under you arms.

He did this and started to walk home. Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge breasts bulging out of a low cut dress. She looked lost.

He asked "Lassy can I help you, you look lost?" She replied, "I am, I'm looking for my Uncle Mr. Simms. The farmer said, "Why he's my neighbor, follow me there."

So off they went, he was getting tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?"

"Now how can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and chickens I carry?" he said. She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground, the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and I'll hold the chickens!"