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 APB JOKE thread post-em up!

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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 5:53 pm

LMAO, That's one way to git-r-done..lol

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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 6:51 pm

An Application To Date My Daughter
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.

Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:______ Weight:______ I.Q.:______
G.P.A.:________ Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
Home Address:_______________________________
City/State/Zip_____________________________
Home Phone#: (___)___________ Car Phone#:_______________ Pager#:__________
Do you own
a. Van?____
b. Truck with oversized tires?____
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____

Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring_____
b. nose ring______
c. belly button ring_____
or piercings on any other body parts_____
Explain:__________________________________________ ___________
Tattoo?______

(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)

In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ ______________

In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? __________________________________________________ ______________

Church you attend_____________________ How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________

Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken broken is: __________________________________________________ __
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is __________________________________________________ __
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B __________________________________________________ __

NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion.

I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.

_____________________________
Signature (This means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 6:52 pm

Subject: DIVORCE VS MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 6:56 pm

bubba at wal-mart
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through
a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table, the interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the
man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into
your head. There's no warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and
goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The
blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed." He then turned to the
; third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out
of the house and on the wall there's
a light switch. When you flip that switch,
way out across the pasture the light
on the barn comes on in less than an
instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of"

The interviewer was very impressed with the
third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed
of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing
the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that
the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by
the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the
other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I
had already chit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a
Wal-Mart near you!
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 6:57 pm

lmfao Divorce vs Murder...

I hope I wont need that application but I'm going to copy it and keep it in a safe place..

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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 6:59 pm

lmao..

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"When I start breeding for color I'll sure call them Staffordsires because that's all they will be in a couple of generations". HOWARD HEINZL
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 7:00 pm

God Bless Granny (a True Story)

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, (what a shame) police said. The one guy Thomas didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. 'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker.

'And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one'

So using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighbourhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door. The minute the big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

(Filthy vermin, the old gal gave the scum exactly what they deserved.)

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, (my Irish ass) and she broke the law, (I strongly disagree to say the least.) but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.

DEPORT HER TO THE U.S. --- WE NEED HER !!
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 7:00 pm

Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods, and said to himself, "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder; saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again; the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw, raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but, perhaps,..... You could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen."
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 7:02 pm

The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up.

Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile
said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,
"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."

The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 7:03 pm

legal terminology
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove This to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 7:05 pm

Having Problems?

An 80 yr old gentleman went to the doctor for a physical. The dr. examined him and told him he needed a semen sample. He took the specimen jar home with him, and returned to the dr. three days later. He said, "Doc, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand. I also got my wife to try. She tried with her left hand, she tried with her right hand; she tried with her mouth, with her teeth in and with her teeth out. I even got the neighbors wife to come over and try. She tried with her left hand and her right hand, and she tried with her mouth." The doctor said," Sir, what seems to be your problem?" He said," all of us tried, but we couldn't get the lid off that jar."
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 28 Jul 2008, 7:06 pm

Two Rednecks
Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Dave says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Thu 31 Jul 2008, 1:06 pm

Jokes email that got sent through the office, These are not meant to offend anyone I took out most of the racist ones even though those where really fully too. lol

So Enjoy!



What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.=

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mon= days, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.





What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with a recipe.


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' - A southern
fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t
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PostSubject: Why guys love their guns   Thu 31 Jul 2008, 2:07 pm

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 12:54 am

Lmao. I like 1

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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 12:55 am

NO SPEAKA DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Older Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The Old lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come-a first.

Dena I come-a.

Dena two-a asses come-a together.

I come-a once-a-more!



Two asses, Dey-a come-a together again-a.

I come-a again-a and-a pee twice-a.

Den-a I come-a one-a lasta time-a."


The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig",
She retorted indignantly.

"In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Whosa talkin abouta sex-a? I'ma justa tellin' me-a frienda hea how to a spella Mississippi!".

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PostSubject: Harley Davidson & God   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:06 am

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!



"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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PostSubject: Good Dog!!!   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:09 am

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
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PostSubject: Red Tape   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:11 am

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her naughty bits.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and explained how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long? "

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down!"
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:12 am

hahahaha, ahhh I needed that....

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PostSubject: Yes, she is blonde   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:13 am

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park... " Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?"
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PostSubject: Name change   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:14 am

Terrorist Activity Has Caused The Democrats To Take Measures In Order To Protect Their Fair-haired Candidate For The Presidency. For Security Reasons, They Have Suggested That Hillary Have A Muslim Name.
So, From Now On, Please Refer To Her By Her New Muslim Name:

Seldom Bin Layed
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PostSubject: Six Retired Cajuns   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:15 am

Six retired Cajuns were playing poker in the hunting camp when Ray Fontenot loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.

Boo Doucet looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"?

They draw straws. Boudreaux picks the short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet"? he says. Me I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

So, Boudreaux goes over to the Ray Fontenot's house and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Boudreaux declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Boudreaux
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PostSubject: Cowboys And Lesbians   Sat 02 Aug 2008, 1:19 am

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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PostSubject: Re: APB JOKE thread post-em up!   Mon 11 Aug 2008, 7:47 pm

LMFAO MARTY^^^^^^^

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